


The Times That Try Men’s Souls (or Five Ways Bucky Likes Sex and One He Wants To)

by Paraxdisepink



Series: Out of the Ice [2]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Is Captain America, Character Study, Happy Ending, M/M, Porn With Plot, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-13
Updated: 2013-04-13
Packaged: 2017-12-08 08:30:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/759286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paraxdisepink/pseuds/Paraxdisepink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Putting his life back together isn’t easy for Bucky. Luckily he has help. (Edited and hopefully typo-free now).</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Times That Try Men’s Souls (or Five Ways Bucky Likes Sex and One He Wants To)

1.  
The late night news replays footage of Captain America giving his opinion on the government's new healthcare act. Back in Brooklyn, before the war, nobody had time for Steve, now they want his opinion on everything. Does he support the law or oppose it? What right does the government have to force you to purchase something? Doesn't Captain America stand for freedom?

Bucky drinks vodka and watches from the corner of a dark bar. Working in the shadows for Fury has him too deep in his missions and his Cold War memories have him too deep in his own head to keep up with the big issues in America these days, but it looks like Steve's read up on the law. Steve being Steve, he goes on passionately about growing up sick and how no child deserves that, and how he was so poor and medicine so expensive he wouldn't have gotten any half the time if not for his best friend who would take extra work to help him pay for it. Then he looks right into the camera and says, like he's picking at a wound, "You know, I never got to pay him back." 

It's Bucky's wound Steve's tearing open all over again and he wants to throw his glass at the TV. The fact that Steve had tried "paying him back" for whatever he thought he owed him instead of shooting the Winter Soldier like he should have is the whole problem. Bucky is a ghost in this new future, floating around in a limbo between death and a life he can't have. He can't have the luxury of being remembered fondly with a sad smile and a few regrets because of what the Russians did to him, and because of what he's done he can't get close to Steve now either. He doesn't deserve to. Even if he did, sooner or later the Winter Soldier mess will come out and Bucky's not dragging Steve through the dirt along with him. 

A big guy at the next table over slams his beer down. "What a fucking sob story. This guy's another communist like all the rest of Obama's sheeple."

Bucky should ignore the man, but it sets him off, hearing Steve accused of being anyone's sheep. He lowers his drink and turns. "You wanna say that again?"

"What? Comrade Fucking America up there?" The man points to the TV on the wall. "Pretty soon him and his shield will be leading the death squads that come into the nursing homes and kill your grandma, if this bullshit becomes law, just like the Nazi's did." He sees the anger in Bucky's face, because this idiot doesn't know anything about Communists or Nazis or Steve, and the only thing the guy can say is, "What? You some kind of fanboy? Those tights really do it for you?"

Bucky doesn't think about it. He kicks the table over and punches the guy in the face, knocking him from his chair. He regrets it the second after he does it, but it's too late and someone else stands up.

"What the fuck's your problem?" This one swings at him first. Bucky grabs his arm before his fist makes contact, but he didn't come alone. His buddy jumps in, reeking of whiskey, and the fight explodes from there. 

Trying not to kill them throws Bucky off. Whether he likes it or not certain things have become instinct in a fight. All three men end up groaning on the ground, but not before one of them smashes a whiskey bottle against the side of Bucky's head and gets a good kick in. Bucky slips out before they call the police, holding his side where his ribs are bruised, blood sticky on one side of his face. Every step hurts, but he deserves it for lashing out like that. 

After a mission, he goes to Fury, gives his report, and they work out their next move. He can't get Steve out of his head though, looking right at him through the camera and talking about him working to buy his medicine. It's a shit thing to do to someone in Bucky's shoes, make them long to go back to being the good person they were once when they can't.

He knows Steve's apartment in Brooklyn. He tracked Steve to it over a month ago when he couldn't bring himself to talk to him and he looks in on it sometimes when Steve's not there. He's there now, coming downstairs to throw a bag of trash into one of the dumpsters out back. He has friends, but he looks lonely, like there's a hole in his life. Bucky wets his lips. He doesn't know whether it's selfish of him or a sign there's some mercy in him, but he steps out of the shadows. 

"Hey, Steve."

Steve's face lights up with relief. He's been worried. "Bucky! Oh thank God..." He rushes to him and hugs him so hard it hurts Bucky's injured ribs. He has to pull away and tell him to ease up.

Stepping back, Steve takes in the glass and matted blood in Bucky's hair. He's not happy about it and Bucky doesn't tell him how it got there, just lets Steve lead him inside.

He makes Bucky stand in front of the bathroom mirror so he can pick out the pieces of glass. He's quiet and Bucky doesn't say anything either. He doesn't know what to say and he shouldn't be here, but he watches Steve's eyes in the mirror and Bucky can see it hurts, the distance, the wondering where he's been, that he can't just have his best friend back. The air gets heavy until Steve breaks the silence.

"Haven't heard from you in three weeks, Bucky." He's combing through Bucky's hair with his fingers and looking for embedded shards. "Maria and Sharon told me you showed up at SHIELD headquarters, but they didn't know where you disappeared to after that. No one did. They told me you were issued a phone but you never answered my calls."

Bucky looks at the floor. He's not trying to make this hard on Steve. He couldn't risk a link between the two of them. "The line's not secure and I had to go off the grid for a while. Fury had a mission for me." Steve's hands leave his hair so Bucky can turn around and explain. "You and your friends have a lot of enemies and some things need to be done in the dark. It's what I'm good at, Steve." 

Steve waits for more, but Bucky leaves it at that. He's said enough though and Steve is angry.

"Fury's using you to do his dirty work?"

Bucky looks down again. Is that how Steve sees him, a tool for someone else to use? Fury calls him a walking weapon, but that's Fury. "Look, I choose who I help now, but I don't want to fight about it. It's stupid not to use the skills I have if they can do some good and you know it."

That—and maybe his injuries—gets Steve to lay off, but the set of his jaw says he plans to take this up with Fury first chance he gets. 

"At least get yourself checked out later. For now, you might want to wash the blood out of your hair."

Nodding, Bucky unzips his jacket. Steve goes still when he sees his star painted on Bucky's newly upgraded left arm, the same one that's on his shield. Bucky had forgotten Steve hasn't seen it yet, but it's a reminder of the things Bucky fought for once and so he lets Steve look though Steve doesn't seem to know what to say about it. 

It's hell getting his shirt over his head the way his ribs are killing him. Steve comes forward to help, hesitant and uncertain, because if Bucky can't reach up to get his shirt off then he can't reach up to wash his hair either.

They've... been together once, a few weeks after Steve used the Cube to restore him, but Bucky doesn't know whether Steve was just lonely or confused or what he wants so he accepts Steve's awkward "do you need me to...?" with a nod and turns his back while Steve undresses and climbs in the shower behind him.

The hot water stings the cuts on Bucky's scalp and soon enough it's pooling dark red at his feet, but at least it's his own blood this time.

The fact that they're naked makes it even harder to talk to each other. Steve carefully parts his hair where it's clumped together so the water can hit it and pretends to concentrate on not disturbing any scabs and Bucky pretends not to feel Steve's eyes on him or his own awareness of Steve's warm broad body at his back. Steve's hands fall away and now that he has nothing to distract him his breathing is tense and Bucky is too.

It catches him off guard, the warm tickle of Steve's lips at the back of his neck, shy and unsure of what's welcome. Bucky exhales sharply and leans back for more and then Steve is licking drops of water from his skin and sucking the side of his neck hard enough to leave a mark. Bucky's instantly hard and moans without much shame. It's not just the years and the distance that fall away; it's the fear and the ice, like he's being thawed out. Steve's hands slide down his sides to his hips and before Bucky knows it he's pushing one hand toward his cock, begging, "Touch me."

The breath of excitement Steve lets out fans hot across Bucky's shoulder. Steve's fingers curl around his dick, but before Bucky can let go of his hand Steve growls in his ear, "Show me how."

Bucky lets out a mindless sound, but he shows Steve how to touch him. He guides his thumb across the head of his cock and along the throbbing vein to the base then closes Steve's hand tight, leans his head back against Steve's shoulder and thrusts until he's holding onto the tile with one hand and fucking Steve's fist at a pace so hard and good it hurts his injured ribs but he doesn't care. 

Bucky's on the edge of a blinding climax when Steve pulls his hand away. There's pain and a dizzying sense of being pulled back just before a free fall, but Steve's hands are on his shoulders and he's turning him around, pushing his back to the tile. He drops to his knees in what's left of the red water and Bucky wants to tell him he doesn't need to do this, but he watches his cock slide into Steve's wet, hot mouth and all he can do is throw his head back against the tile and make a sound like Steve's killing him. 

This might be Steve's first time sucking dick, but he's not shy about it. Steve takes him deep and tightens his lips when he pulls back like he's waging a tactical assault to show Bucky where he belongs, all golden hair and bunching muscles and pink mouth. His hands trace Bucky's hips and grab at his ass, letting him know it's all right to lose control and thrust into him. Bucky's fingers find their way into Steve's hair, silky and too neat even when wet, and there's no keeping still with the way Steve's mouth feels sliding up and down him. Bucky jerks his hips and makes choked sounds and then he's coming down Steve's throat and pulling on his hair.

His ribs are on fire when he stops shuddering. Bucky can barely catch his breath and he has to hold his side the pain is so bad. His head is pounding too where the bottle hit. Steve looks up at him, concerned but flushed and golden like he's glowing and for a moment it doesn't hurt so much. None of it does. Bucky wipes a white smear from Steve's lower lip with his thumb and grins. 

"Too bad they never put you like that on the Captain America posters."

Steve goes a nice shade of red and gets up to help Bucky out of the shower. Fury's waiting for him, but the stern way Steve marches him past his clothes makes clear Bucky's not going anywhere in his condition. Steve offers him his bed and Bucky falls asleep within a few minutes. The phone device ringing in the pocket of the pants he left on Steve's bathroom floor wakes him in the middle of the night. Steve answers it. It's Fury wondering where the hell Bucky is. Bucky pretends not to hear the argument they have about what he does and doesn't need right now.

2.  
The next Fourth of July marks the 70th anniversary of Captain America. Steve gets paraded everywhere from the remains of Camp Lehigh to the White House and there's a three hour special about his life on TV. They can't get enough of Peggy Carter and make a big deal about her being a woman and then go on about Iron Man's father designing the infamous vibranium shield. Sharon and Tony give pre-recorded interviews about Peggy and Howard and there's a passing mention of the Howling Commandos to praise "America's Super Soldier" as the very opposite of Hitler for fighting alongside a black man, but none of Bucky Barnes. 

Officially alive now, Bucky drinks beer and watches the coverage with Steve's friends in Avengers Tower. Everyone but Natalia gives him sidelong glances when they think he’s not looking, expecting him to be angry or jealous that the show gives all the importance to Peggy and makes Steve's big HYDRA rescue into a mission to free mistreated prisoners in general and gives the impression Steve did everything alone. Steve's friends don't understand that Steve was made for the spotlight and Bucky for the shadows now and that he doesn't need his life splashed all over TV. He just cares about cleaning up his mess, keeping innocent people from getting hurt, and maybe a day when it won't be so hard to live with himself.

Steve brings a bunch of reporters and important people for a tour of Avengers Tower despite the fact he doesn't actually live here. The Star Spangled Man song is blasting and the scene is a blur of red, white, and blue. Bucky gets out of sight because Winter Soldier isn't a public identity like Hawkeye or Iron Man and he doesn't want anyone wondering what he's doing here. The tower has security, but he's got habits. He climbs up in Barton's nest and watches the main floor below. Steve is swarmed by people and cameras and forced to pose in front of the flag with his shield for picture after picture while that damn song never shuts up. 

After a couple hours of shaking hands and making small talk and smiling for the photographers under the bright lights Steve's face is shining with sweat and he looks like he's had it. 

"Natalia," Bucky calls on the comms, "Get Steve out of there. We have a situation."

"If you say so, James." She looks right up at him. Bucky doesn't doubt she's spotted him. She knows he's full of it too, but she humors him.

Steve jumps at the chance to get away. Bucky catches up to him in a back hallway and drags him into the bathroom.

"Thanks, Buck," Steve breathes out his relief once the door is locked and goes to the sink to splash cold water on his face. "Thought my performing monkey days were behind me. The lights are a lot hotter than I remember." 

He throws more water on himself and Bucky folds his arms. "What's the matter? Getting too old for the show?"

"Shut up. It's usually Iron Man getting all the attention these days. I guess I got rusty."

”Yeah, but Stark doesn't have a theme song." Bucky whistles along to “The Star Spangled Man" in the background and wishes for the millionth time he could have seen Steve do that USO number. He mimics a few chorus girl steps and Steve rolls his eyes. 

"Maybe Senator Brandt should have put you on the tour." He straightens his hair the cowl has flattened and turns serious. "You know, Buck, it isn't right how-"

Bucky stops him. He knows what Steve's going to say. "Come on, my part's not really that important. I saw action, got captured, shot Nazis, and died. Same as thousands of other guys. The rest is classified. Fury probably made sure they kept me out of it so the wrong people don’t get too curious about what happened to me. Kind of the point of a covert operative."

 _Your part's important to me,_ Steve's eyes say, but he makes a face and mocks, "Oh I bet the reporters would be all over 'The Man Who Knew Captain America Before His Transformation'."

"Well that man's not talking. No one was interested at the time so they missed their chance."

Steve turns to him and Bucky doesn't know whether it's the old innocent surprise on his face that someone would be possessive of skinny Steve Rogers or the damn Star Spangled Man song that keeps going and going, but he grabs Steve before he can say he should go and shoves him against the wall with a thud, imagining him on stage again doing his patriotic routine in those tights. Some of the guys in the audience lining up to buy bonds afterward had to be a little queerer than they pretended to get so "inspired" by it.

He's caught Steve off guard and loves it. Steve's still not used to how quick and efficiently Bucky moves now. He gets his hands between that solid body and the wall and cups Steve's ass through his tights as he presses in close, tilts his head, and lowers his voice. 

"There's a lot I could tell them about the real Steve Rogers, the man under the uniform," Bucky kneads the firm muscle in his hands a little, "stuff they'd never guess."

Steve likes it; he's breathing faster and his voice is rough like his throat's suddenly dry. "Like what?" He's not touching him, but he holds Bucky's eyes. Captain America doesn't back down, even when cornered. "That I'm one of the few who's seen the Winter Soldier coming?"

Bucky's past is nothing to make puns out of, but he laughs. "Nope." His hand drops between Steve's legs and he gives his cock a squeeze through the uniform. "That it's pretty easy getting in your pants, for one."

His grip gets firmer. Bucky watches Steve's face as he strokes him through his clothes. His eyes are bright, still startled he inspires this kind of reaction in anyone—or maybe it's the abrupt change in Bucky's mood. Steve tips his head back against the wall and his lips are open, but he wets them and talks back the way he does when he knows he's on the losing end of a fight. "It took you eighty-three years...."

Leaning in, Bucky takes his time mouthing along Steve's jaw. "It was illegal.” His words are breathy and muffled by skin. People might like to know that between the two of them, Bucky Barnes never broke any laws. Steve angles his head to coax Bucky's mouth to his and he sucks on Steve's lower lip and unfastens his belt so he can push those dumb tights out of the way.

"Captain America..." Bucky steps back to admire Steve flushed and hard, "dropping his pants for some guy in a bathroom...."

He strokes Steve for real this time now that he can get his hand around the bare length of him, palm sliding over his balls and everything. Steve moans and it's been a long time since he's looked at Bucky with that desperate need for him to make it all better. 

"Bucky..." Steve's nothing but rough breathing and flushed skin now. Bucky's not sure how it happens, but Steve turns and Bucky's pushing him over the sink, blue tights falling all the way to his red leather boots. 

Bucky leans over him, running a hand through his hair and down the back of his neck. He sucks the skin behind Steve's ear and teases, "Oh so you're bending over now." 

Aroused as he is, he's nervous. Bucky tries to avoid this new thing between them and he's never fucked Steve before. He isn't sure the first time should be like this. But Steve arches into his touch and gives him a daring look over his shoulder, blonde hair flopping into his eye where it’s neatly parted to one side. 

"I miss you bossing me around."

Bucky misses that too, but now he's got Captain America eager for him to get inside him and it won't be long before someone comes searching for Steve. Bucky looks around. Lotion will have to do—it's not like it'll hurt Steve. Sliding into Steve is like melting into him. He's hot and tight and perfect. Bucky grabs the sink with his metal hand for a sense of restraint because it's been a long time since he's fucked anyone and Steve feels almost too good. He can’t make himself start slow, but thrusts fast and deep and before long he’s panting against Steve's neck and groaning when Steve jerks back against him.

"You like it?" Bucky's voice is thick. Whoever thought Steve would be a national icon. "Tell me you like it..." Steve holds onto the sink with both hands and grunts something. Wrapping an arm around him, Bucky rests his palm against Steve's stomach and he’s thrusting harder. "America's super soldier... taking it like he needs it.... Those reporters don't know anything."

Steve's grip tightens on the sink and his head is hanging. He's clenching his jaw to keep from making too much noise and he bites out, "You're enjoying this too much...."

Bucky laughs, but Steve's ass brushes his balls and the sound comes out as a sharp moan. He can barely think, let alone talk, yet he holds Steve tight to him, pulls out almost all the way, and pushes in slow. "Damn straight I am,” he breathes into Steve’s hair. "You feel how hard you've got me, right?" 

His hand closes around Steve's cock and out-maneuvered and overwhelmed Steve doesn't seem to know what to do. His hips speed up and Bucky keeps stroking and fucking him until Steve's bent so far over his hair sweeps against the faucet and the back of his neck is shining with sweat. 

He's close, and Bucky presses tight to his back so he can rasp in his ear. "Come on, Captain America, show the cameras who you come for...."

Steve doesn't make a sound; he just shudders and explodes sticky all over Bucky's hand. It's as though the more the media tries to erase the person under the stars and the stripes, the more saintly they paint him so America can feel better about herself, the more Steve needs someone to get dirty with. Legendary Cold War assassin, you can't do much better than that. 

Steve has to wash the sweat from his face all over again afterward, but before long every hair's in place and he's tucked back into his uniform and you'd never know Bucky had just defiled an American icon.

Once Steve's back out there, he's expected to give a speech. He's smiling like an idiot and goes on about how he didn't do the things he did during the war alone and how he couldn't have done them without real friends—the finest Americans he's known—fighting beside him. It's not true, but Bucky likes hearing it, likes remembering when the Winter Soldier wasn't all he was. 

3.  
His ears ring with gunfire and screaming, the walls and floors of wherever Bucky is sprayed in red. The screaming is his and the gunfire too, a rifle in his hands. He's yelling in Russian and Japanese and every language he knows and running along an endless line of bodies peppered with holes from the bullets he put in them, looking for one—just one—person he's left alive. 

A strong hand grabs his shoulder. Bucky throws it off and whips around, swinging his rifle to take aim. It only magnifies his panic because he knows he'll take this shot too and he doesn’t want to. He yells in Russian for whoever it is to run. He wants to say he's sorry. He has to crawl back through that trail of bodies and find where it begins so he can tell them all he's so fucking sorry.

His rifle is gone and he must have lashed out with his bare hands because his arms are pinned to his sides in a grip he's not sure he can break. He fights to get free anyway and keeps yelling. If he doesn’t get free they'll take him back and throw him on ice again so they can put a new mission in his head and give him new targets to put bullets in.

"Bucky..." The voice would be commanding if it weren't alarmed. "Bucky, come on. Wake up. Bucky...."

It's Steve. He's shaking him. Bucky opens his eyes, covered in sweat. He expects to see the plain walls of their tiny apartment in Brooklyn, but wakes instead to a room he doesn't recognize. It's cold like an underground bunker, but full of electronic devices of all sizes and utilitarian in that military way. Disoriented, he sits up and starts to panic that he's woken up in a new decade again, that they’ve programmed him with a mission to kill Steve.

Then he remembers. They're in one of Fury's safehouses. Steve's wanted by the authorities for leading the opposition to the new Superhero Registration Act—laws which forces anyone with special abilities to register with the government and treats them like weapons of mass destruction. Bucky and Fury have been keeping the authorities off Steve's trail and Bucky came here tonight to tell him this place won't be safe for long. He had only meant to rest for a few minutes, but he must have fallen asleep. Steve must have brought him in here. His suit is off and neatly folded on a chair and his rifle's propped against the wall.

Bucky still hears the gunfire though and his heart hasn't slowed. Neither has his breathing. He's so tense from the image of all those bodies his muscles ache. 

Steve puts a hand on his back. "Clint's just watching a movie, Bucky," he says gently. He pushes the sweaty hair from Bucky's forehead, his face worried. Steve has never seen the nightmares before. He wants Bucky to tell him what this one was about, but he doesn't ask. He wants to pull him closer. 

Bucky has two choices: he can fall onto Steve's shoulder and cry until he throws up or he can lunge for the furthest thing from what he’s just seen. He doesn't want Steve to see what he has to hold in just to make it day after day. He can't guard Steve's back if he gives in to being a complete mess. So he does the second, the thing that feels good.

He throws Steve under him on the bed in a sparring move and crushes his mouth with his, grabbing at his wrists for Steve to put his hands on him and clawing to get Steve's pants off at the same time. Steve pins bucky’s normal arm to his side and fists a hand in his hair to hold him still.

"Hey, Buck, slow down..." 

Bucky tries, but he's desperate to get those red memories out of his head. Steve curls a hand under his jaw to guide him into an open-mouthed but less violent kiss, rubbing his other hand down Bucky's bare back to calm him down some. All it does is get him hard. 

"Don't need all that..." He grinds against Steve. "Come on. Want you in me."

His need sparks something in Steve. He tugs Bucky's boxers off and fumbles in the nightstand drawer. The intrusion of his warm, slick finger melts away the memory of the cold gun in Bucky's hand. Steve rubs the right spot inside him while he holds Bucky down sliding a hand up to the back of his head and Bucky breathes raggedly into his neck and rocks his hips and strokes his own cock with his good hand.

He doesn't know whether Steve rolls them over or whether Bucky pulls Steve on top of him, but he's on his back the way he likes it, spreading his legs the way he's never done for anyone else. Steve tries to ease into him a little at a time, tries to distract him with more kissing and whispers that he has to relax. But Steve's big and Bucky's too wound up from the dream. It burns enough to make his eyes water, but it's only for a minute until he folds his legs around Steve and Steve starts to move.

He gives it to Bucky the way they both need. Forced into hiding like this, Steve's holding in a lot now and Bucky knows he frustrates him, showing up out of nowhere and disappearing for weeks. He ploughs into him hard and good like he's trying to nail him to the spot. Bucky calls Steve's name, claws his back, and begs him to fuck his brains out. He doesn't need to touch himself or for Steve to get a hand between them. The way Steve's cock pounds him is enough and before he knows it he's throwing his head back and moaning. 

Before the new law forced people to take sides, Fury made him see a SHIELD shrink. In her modern and supposedly "enlightened" way she treated most of the things Bucky did now as "unhealthy" in a way he was too "traumatized" and old-fashioned to understand. Turns out too the world isn't done telling people how to have sex. It makes Bucky angry because, after all that's been done to him, it's the way Steve knows exactly how rough he can take it, the way Steve's strength makes him feel defenseless, that makes him feel like he has control.

4.  
Like all the best people who try to make the world a better place, Steve is assassinated while surrendering to authorities before Bucky and Fury can carry out their plan to save him. Feeling like he has nothing left, Bucky wants to put a bullet in his head, but he can't. The first of Steve's two final wishes is for Bucky to find a way out of the dark and have a chance at a new life and he hears SHIELD plans to name a new Captain America. Bucky takes up Steve's shield because he won't let anyone else do it and takes on every enemy Steve and the Avengers have. After a year, he and Steve's real friends find a way to get him back, but Steve insists that Bucky keep wearing the uniform. He acts like something terrible will happen if Bucky doesn't.

HYDRA hasn't given up. Turns out Schmidt built four giant robots back in the war and—his consciousness in another body—he decides to let one loose on Washington D.C. Bucky goes to fight in his Cap suit and convinces Steve to do the same just this once. Schmidt's robot monster has people so panicked they need to believe they have nothing to fear from HYDRA now that Captain America's back—the real Captain America. 

The robot crashes through the Capital like King Kong, shooting blue blasts of energy from its palms. Bucky keeps them off as many civilians as he can with the shield and he and Steve get screaming people to safety. It's strange for Bucky to be looked with any kind of gratitude, but he does what he has to. Thor smashes at the robot with his hammer and Clint and Natalia try and lure it to more isolated areas in the quinjet. Tony's plan is to get close enough in the Iron Man suit so he can remotely hack into the thing's brain and override it, but it's taking too long to access. When Bucky yells at him over the comms to hurry up, all he gets is, "Yeah, yeah, keep your panties on, Barnes. I'm working a process here," which means he doesn't really know what he's doing and can't accept that stuff was built better back in the 40s. 

After what feels like hours of people screaming and buildings tumbling, Tony comes back on the comms. "Cap Squared, we have a problem."

"Can you shut it down or not?" Bucky's losing his patience. He can put aside his differences when he has to, but he and Stark haven't gotten along well since Stark stood on the wrong side of the anti-superhero mess. 

"Hello...? Strong emphasis on 'problem'. There seems to be a bomb in Robozilla's head controlled by its CPU. Something tells me it would be a bad idea to let it go off in the middle of a crowded city before I can disable it."

Steve glances worriedly at the civilians packed in behind them. "Keep trying. We'll get everyone out of the area. Black Widow. Hawkeye. You're on it too."

They copy. Sam—worn out from flying people out of harm's way—comes toward the group with him and Steve looking to make another trip. Bucky catches his arm and shoves the shield into Steve's hands. "Don't argue, just take it. I got a plan." It's Steve people want to see with it anyway. Turning to Sam, Bucky looks up at one of the skyscrapers the robot is headed toward. "Think you can fly me up there?"

Sam and Steve look at each other. They hate his plans and wish he would stick to shooting things. but Bucky tries to smile with the cockiness he used to have and Sam sighs. 

"I shouldn't, but yeah. Let's go." 

Sam takes him twelve stories up where Bucky and the robot are eye level. Bucky punches through a window with his metal arm and crouches in a dark empty office amid the shattered glass. He calls to Stark on the comms.

"Lure it over here." He waves in the broken window so Stark can spot him by his red glove. 

"I've almost got it, Barnes. If I can just-"

Bucky's "almost got it" is target in his sights, finger on the trigger. Tony's is the first spark of an idea that only makes sense to him and a whole lot of arrogance believing it'll work. Most of the time it does, but there's rubble in the streets and the robot is doing too much damage. 

"Lure it over here."

Tony complains, but he comes stomping in the Iron Man suit and Schmidt's robot comes stomping after him, shaking the building where Bucky crouches.

"Where's the power source?" he has to yell over the noise. 

"Back of its head. I just have to..." 

Tony launches into a technical explanation Bucky doesn't understand. "Like a brainstem?" 

"Wasn't an assassin..."

Bucky ignores that and Tony keeps the thing coming. In that shiny armor he's an easy target to follow. Bucky pulls out his gun. Neither it nor the bullets it's loaded with are ordinary and they should tear right through the thing. 

He waits for the robot to get a little ways past him. He has to hit the power source and not anything else unless he wants to risk setting off the bomb. The robot must operate on some kind of heat sensor because it raises its arm and blasts into the building where Bucky takes aim. He wishes he had the shield back to block what looks like a surge of blue lightning, but it's too late. 

"Bucky!" Steve panicks in his ear. 

The blast tears a hole in the side of the building and it sways under him, but Bucky's hand is steady. The Winter Soldier doesn't miss. 

He fires just as the floor gives way and then they're all yelling.

"Barnes!"

"Bucky!"

"James!" 

Last is Sam, who's flown off somewhere else. "Stupid fucking kid!"

The robot careens into the building and then Bucky's falling he doesn't know how many stories and landing hard, rubble crashing all around.

"Bucky!" Steve's close by and not in the comms at all. It's almost too dark to see, but a large shape comes crawling to him and Bucky has either blacked out or Steve was in the building before he fell. He props the shield against the wall and rolls Bucky onto his back. He's dazed, but Steve looks shaken and out of breath. "You scared me...."

Bucky runs a hand over his suit, mostly deep blue and black for what he had been. "I'm fine..." His heart's still hammering from the fall though because it's brought back the memory of the other fall that landed him in hell so long ago. 

"Didn't you know that thing would crash into the building?"

Bucky didn't think about it. "The suit... Tony made it impact resistant."

Steve looks like he wants to rip it off to make sure nothing's broken, but he slowly sits back against the wall and pats Bucky's shoulder.

"It'll take time before they can dig us out of here, but we have air. Sit tight, Buck." 

Bucky doesn't listen. Adrenaline's racing through him and he can't get the sensation of falling out of his head. He's not over seeing Steve shot dead either. This attack happened so fast Bucky hasn't gotten much chance to say it. In one quick move, he climbs onto Steve, straddling him. He knows this should wait, but they're in for a long day of briefings and press conferences and all the stuff that comes with being who they are now. 

Steve doesn't try and stop him. The fight has him full of adrenaline too and He's hard in about three seconds, grabbing at Bucky's suit and growling, "The uniform... I like it on you..."

He shouldn't, but Bucky knows he does. Steve fumbles at his waist to get his holster out of the way so he can get his pants open. Bucky ends up twisting out of one leg and holding Steve's shoulders and they fuck right there in the dust and rubble. Steve's hand slides up his bare thigh and grips his cock in the dark. The other digs into Bucky's hip while he moves on top of him and then that's not enough and Steve's hips are slamming up to meet him. It's quick and clumsy and pretty soon the ache behind Bucky's balls is too much and he's fisting a hand in the star on Steve's chest and announcing through his ragged breathing, "I'm gonna come..."

"No one's stopping you, Buck," Steve pants back. Even like this he's still smart-mouthed sometimes. He yanks Bucky down by the hair and shoves his tongue in his mouth, hand slick with sweat on his cock. Bucky can't think anymore. If he comes all over Steve's uniform it's his fault because he asked for it.

Thankfully he doesn't. Most of it ends up all over Steve's hand. Steve wipes it on the wall and a long-buried immature part of Bucky starts laughing because it's the funniest "Captain America was here."

5.  
The world isn't done dragging Bucky through the mud. The truth about his past as the Winter Soldier goes public and he's too tainted and too hated by the country now to be Captain America anymore. The Russians want him back and he's shipped off to spend the rest of his life in a Siberian prison. Natasha and Steve smuggle him out two months later, but Bucky's wanted by half a dozen governments for espionage, murder, and terrorism. He tells Fury about the things he remembers, threats created by the Red Room and himself that he knows are still out there. He and Fury agree the world will have to think Bucky dead if he wants the freedom to take care of them and work his way to some kind of redemption. 

It won't be easy and Steve's not happy about it. He insists Bucky deserves better than more shadowy missions. But Bucky's leaving in the morning with Natalia to track down an assassin he once trained in the late 90s who has been taking out American diplomats in Eastern Europe and Bucky doesn't know when he'll be back. 

He and Steve are in his quarters on the helicarrier and Bucky can't sleep. He pecks at the laptop on the other side of the room so he doesn't bother Steve who fell asleep an hour ago. Bucky fills in files for SHIELD with the names of every assassin, sleeper agent, and terrorist trained by him or the Red Room that he can remember. It helps, and then it doesn't. Thanks to the way the Cube restored him, he remembers everything unnaturally well down to the tiniest detail and one memory triggers a thousand. It's only with Steve that he forgets. 

Steve kicks the sheets off in his sleep like he's trying to run toward something but is being held still. He struggles hard enough to shift the bed, muttering, "No... I won't let you do this..." frantic and muffled in the pillow. Whatever he's dreaming, he's terrified.

Bucky crosses the room and climbs next to him on the bed. Steve's covered in sweat and his thrashing gets more violent. "Hey..." Bucky puts a hand on his back.

Steve's eyes fly open, but he can't breathe. It's not asthma, though Bucky knows from his own nightmares it may as well be, except he's not scared Steve is going to suffocate and die because he's run out of medicine and they can't afford to turn the heat on to cut through the biting cold. He pulls Steve upright like he used to back then, rubbing his chest and pressing his cheek against Steve's sweaty hair.

"Hey, Steve, come on just breathe. I got you." Out of habit, Bucky almost says he'll find some extra work tomorrow so they'll have enough money between the two of them to keep the place warmer, but then he remembers where he's really going tomorrow and he's the one who's cold.

Steve's pulse is racing where Bucky's against his temple, but after a few minutes he calms down. Everyone in the Tower or on the helicarrier has heard Bucky screaming in hs sleep, but not many people know Steve has nightmares too. They think he's always had it easy. 

Still shaken, Steve draws the sheets around himself. "I dreamed we were back on that train," he says slowly, his throat raw. "You were in the other car and I couldn't get the door open. When you ran out of ammo the HYDRA soldiers dragged you off and threw you in a cell. They had the others too—Dugan and Falseworth and Jones—and they threw them out into the mountains someplace I couldn't reach. But you..." His eyes go to Bucky's face. "Zola and Schmidt took turns beating you so you couldn't fight back. They were strapping a bomb to your chest and were going to use you to blow up the world so they could remake it with HYDRA in power. I couldn't stop them."

Bucky rests back against the headboard. "Schmidt and Zola weren't very smart. I would have taken them with me."

Steve doesn't find that funny. He might have kept himself going on revenge for a while after Bucky died, but losing him hurt. With him playing dead and leaving in the morning for God knows how long, Steve thinks he's losing him now.

Bucky tugs him close with an arm around his shoulders and tries to smile. "Hey, I'm still here. I'm still here. You got me back, remember?" He doesn't really believe he's the same person Steve lost, but he's trying to be reassuring. 

Steve manages a nod, but on some level Steve still feels like he's lost everything waking up in this time and he's sick of watching Bucky suffer. Bucky hasn't told him what he went through during those months in prison, how they made him fight to survive for their entertainment. It's bad enough that in Steve's mind, the Winter Soldier was all his fault and Bucky still lost the life he should have had. 

On a good day, Bucky's not sure whose fault it is, his or the Red Room's, but it's not Steve's. Bucky is sick of the past right now though 

"Come on..." His palm rubs in a more deliberate circle over Steve's chest and Bucky's tongue traces the curve of his ear. "We've got better things to do tonight than talk about Schmidt and Zola. Come feel how alive I still am."

Steve's eyes are trusting on his. People like Erskine and Howard Stark can give him whatever body they want; at that moment he looks as fragile as he used to. Bucky kisses him until Steve's making soft sounds and then pushes him to lie back. He kisses down Steve's throat, circles his tongue into his nipple, and kisses lower. Steve jerks at the tickle of Bucky licking and dragging his mouth across his stomach, but he's not hard yet because this is the third time tonight and he's still upset from his dream. Bucky takes him soft in his mouth, using his tongue to tease all the good spots. Steve moans and his cock swells. Letting him slide from his lips, Bucky kisses and sucks down the inside of his thigh. Steve trembles like such a girl Bucky eases his legs open wider and slips his tongue inside him.

The sensation shocks him; Steve arches up sharply. Bucky cups his ass from underneath and strokes his leg with the other hand and Steve writhes under him and moans like it's too much. It almost is, having him spread out like this. 

"Bucky..." Steve breathes and Bucky stops just short of the word "please". His head is full of people staring down the barrel of his gun and begging for their lives. He's not going to make Steve beg for anything. 

When Bucky crawls up to him, Steve's flushed and his eyes are glazed. He turns onto his stomach and when Bucky eases inside him it is too much. Steve raises himself on his hands enough to lean his head back against him. It's good like that and Bucky has all the control, but the minute his teeth sink into Steve's shoulder Steve's rearing up on hands and knees like a powerful golden animal. Supporting himself with the strength of his artificial hand, Bucky has a vague urge to lose himself and pound into Steve the way he makes Steve do to him, but he doesn't. His mind spins with so many blood-soaked memories from his old Winter Soldier days and his recent months in prison that he's not about to taint the best thing in his life with anything close to violence, and right now it's the holding back that feels good.

Bucky doesn't mean to come first, but it's all right. "Turn over..." he tells Steve as soon as he can talk again. Steve does, needy and docile, and Bucky inches down and does what he used to do best. He takes care of him. 

6.  
Taking out the right threats and some arm-twisting from SHIELD and the American government—mostly at Steve's insistence—eventually secures Bucky enough pardons that he can rise from the dead again. He'll take on missions when something related to his past turns up and help the Avengers when they need him. 

It takes a full week for a crisis to happen. Doctor Doom attacks New York by creating dozens of highly intelligent robots and cloaking them with a holographic function to look like various members of the team. They plant bombs and commit acts of sabotage around the City, stirring up panic. 

After a Natasha clone nearly shoots Pepper at point blank range, the Avengers plus Rhodey and Fury crowd in the lab on the helicarrier so they can be sure they're looking at the real version of each other and not another of Doom's toys. Tony has the "Natbot" (as Clint calls it) on a bench and works on a device to disable the hologram. The Avengers stop every robot they can, but they can't hide in here keeping tabs on each other forever and they have no idea how many more are out there. 

"We have to make a public appearance," Steve tells Fury. "The American people need to know the real Avengers are here and that we're working to put a stop to this."

"They need to know none of us have gone rogue, you mean," Sam says what Bucky is thinking. They can't afford to stir up anti-superhero sentiment all over again.

"We're putting you on it, Cap," Fury assures Steve. "Media briefing's in an hour."

Steve would rather go out and take these robots down, but he's accepted that he's a symbol before he's a soldier and nods. 

Standing between Bucky and Clint, Natasha's getting impatient. No one would have trouble believing it's the real Black Widow or Winter Soldier doing the damage out there, not when America has become so cynical. "How long's this going to take, Tony?" she demands.

Tony just grumbles and Bucky folds his arms. "Why don't you create something that detects where these robots are so we can pinpoint their location and hunt them down? Something you can upload to the surveillance systems throughout the city?"

"It's a logical idea," Steve agrees. "Think you can do it, Tony?"

Tony straightens irritably. He's been at the Natbot for hours and doesn't like people in his lab, interrupting when he's trying to work. "I'm a genius, not a magician," he snaps. "The problem with being the only one capable of doing anything useful right now is that everything takes time. First I'd like to know none of you are robots yourselves programmed to _kill one of us,_ particularly me and mine."

"Me and Steve are just saying-"

Tony takes his goggles off where he'd been drilling into the Natbot's skull a few minutes ago, which was not an easy sight to stomach. "'Me and Steve'? Let's confine the big ideas to people who _aren't_ high school dropouts."

Tony's just under pressure, but coming from the guy who grew up having everything, the remark gets under Bucky's skin. "Some of us had to work to eat!" 

"Some of us are working to save this city, so if Mrs. Rogers would just-"

Bucky advances a step.

"He's going to punch you, Tony," Rhodey warns.

It's Fury who drags Bucky out of the lab. As the door closes behind them Bucky hears Steve turn to Tony with a disapproving, "You know, he's been through a lot." 

Tony's too busy getting back to work to care and probably shouldn't do any different.

Bucky and Clint end up shooting clones of Thor and Tony trying to blow up the subway. Iron Clone comes complete with red and gold armor, but goes down with a shot through the eye—right after it fires on Bucky and damages his cybernetic arm so he can't move his fingers.

He feels bad though for arguing with Clint over who gets to take the shot when the real Tony works into the night to build him a new arm. He's improved on Doom's holographic design and this one can look and feel like real skin when Bucky wants it to. It also shoots energy blasts from the palm just like Tony's suit and Tony is proud of it. 

The arm requires surgery to attach to the nerve endings in Bucky's shoulder and by the next evening—painkillers wearing off—Bucky practices punching stuff in Steve's rooms in Avengers Tower and throws a rubber ball at the wall to perfect his finer coordination with the thing. After putting up with it for about an hour, Steve looks up from his paperwork.

"You don't have to get the hang of it all at once, Bucky."

Maybe he's right, but he doesn't understand how much work it takes to use an artificial limb as naturally as your own and for Bucky that means keeping his skills in peak condition and always being ready for a fight. He decides he could use a rest though and puts some decent music from their day on. Steve gets up to hunt for another pen and Bucky grabs his hand with his new one and twirls Steve into him the way he used to do with the girls he danced with and took home later. Steve almost trips over Bucky's foot. He might be the big war hero and America's super soldier, but he'll never outshine Bucky on the dance floor. Bucky misses dancing, back when people knew how to do it. 

He catches Steve around the waist before he falls and breaks something. "Good thing the President doesn't have you at the inaugural ball." 

"He did. I spent the entire night posing for pictures and smiling until my face hurt."

That figures. "You know they say dancing's a prelude to sex." Bucky doesn't know if he would recognize being happy, but he's a little euphoric from what's left of the meds in his system. He pushes Steve into his chair and straddles his lap. "Admit you wanted me back then. Before."

Steve blinks, because this is out of the blue and they've never talked much about how they got from being brothers to... this. Steve smiles innocently though, "I wanted Peggy."

Bucky grinds slow against him. Steve's hands smooth over his thighs and that's more like it. "Everyone wanted Peggy, but come on. Admit it. Back in the war you thought about it all those times we were out there in the middle of nowhere. Best looking guy on the squad... best shot too."

Steve pretends it takes real consideration, his hands warm through Bucky's pajama bottoms. "I don't know... I spent a lot of time thinking about those chorus girls. They were all knockouts, Buck."

"And you got lucky with how many?"

Steve's cheeks go pink. The answer is none. His hand closes over Bucky's and he turns serious. "Is this really something you need to hear?"

The question is so direct it knots Bucky up inside. He doesn't know. "Better not," he shakes his head. "Don't ruin the moment."

His free hand creeps forward to sneak under Steve's shirt, but Steve has seen something in his face and takes hold of that hand too. It's his eyes that pin Bucky though and what's in them. Bucky feels like he's stepped on a mine and can't inch back.

"Because I'd show you what I feel if you'd let me. I'd take my time for once." Letting go, Steve strokes his thumb across Bucky's cheek so gently it's a knife in his stomach. "Would you like that?"

Bucky's cold all of a sudden and he doesn't move. He and Steve don't talk like this... Steve's fingers curl under his jaw and Steve doesn't kiss him so much as he takes his mouth slow and thorough in case Bucky doesn't get what he means. "Would you like that?" he breaks away just long enough to ask again in a whisper. 

Steve kissing him like that is sweet and new and sends enough sensations running through him that Bucky pushes aside how nervous he suddenly is. "Maybe..." 

"Then come here." 

Steve picks him up and sets him on his back on the bed. He gets him out of his pants and lies next to him, propped on an elbow and taking in the sight of Bucky naked like he means to draw it later. For all Bucky knows he already has. Steve runs a hand through his hair and down the curve of his shoulder. Bucky moves to pull him on top of him, but Steve grabs his arms and forces them to his sides on the mattress. Steve's palm roams warm over his chest and Bucky closes his eyes.

When he's aroused, he doesn't think. He can't. But he's tired from spending the previous night lying awake anxious without his other arm and slow to it now. Steve's hand wanders lower and his fingers trace one of the scars along his stomach. Bucky blinks and looks away. He knows Steve wants to ask about them, but he never pushes. Most are from Bucky's days working for the Soviets, a couple are from his time in prison, but the one Steve's touching now... Bucky can't help it; he feels the cold table under him where it all started and hears Zola and a bunch of scientists droning on in German about the subject's healing showing promise and how he's ready to move on to see whether the subject's body can repair internal damage. One of Zola's assistants unbuttons Bucky's shirt. Another shoves something between his teeth so he can't scream and he's tied down too tight to move. The real terror comes from not being a person to them. Zola picks up a scalpel from his tray. The edge tickles and the steel is cold. Then it cuts into him...

Bucky bolts upright, biting so hard into something that isn't there he can taste blood. He has Steve's wrist in a deadly grip but he lets go the instant the scene leaves him and he remembers where he is. Steve's scared to touch him now, but he's watching worriedly. Bucky turns away.

It's humiliating and frustrating the way the things in his head sneak up on him and get in the way. The SHIELD shrinks love to talk about his "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" and assure him its common and that it'll take time, but Bucky can't help the era he comes from. It makes him feel weak. Crippled.

He gets up and grabs his pants. "Think I'll go downstairs to the gym and work with my arm some more."

Steve doesn't say a word and Bucky gets as far as the door before he turns to look at him. Steve's hurt and frustrated too that after all this time Bucky can't just talk to him. When it comes to what he's been through, Bucky knows he hasn't made it easy on Steve. He's been closed off and he's run away on mission after mission. It hasn't been on purpose. but he hasn't forgotten the way Steve looked at him when the Winter Soldier shoved his gun in his face with his finger on the trigger, the anger at what the Red Room had done to him and the love that wouldn't let Steve believe for a moment that Bucky was to blame at all. All Bucky's really wanted since then is to deserve it. But he knows Steve wants more now than the desperation between them. Someday he wants to be partners again and someday he wants even more than that. That's the day Bucky's scared of, scared that he day he accepts Steve's love will be the day he stops feeling guilty for what he's done, that it'll be the day he lets go. 

Bucky walks back to the bed where Steve is lying down now and slides next to him. "On second thought, I don't feel like being alone."

Steve nods and makes more room for him. He's been patient... Bucky turns to him. _Hey, would you just hold me for a little while and then maybe we can try this again?_ isn't something guys from their time say to each other, but when Bucky lays his head on Steve's chest and drapes an arm across him, Steve gets the idea. 

He settles his arms around him and his fingers stroke through Bucky's hair. It's nice, peaceful, and Bucky gives up trying to decide what's nicer than he deserves. Either the world will have to judge him or something greater, if it exists. 

After a moment, Steve asks quietly, "Is it still hard to be touched sometimes?"

Bucky shakes his head and answers just as quietly, "Hard to accept everything that's happened, I guess."

"Hard to accept it's not your fault."

Bucky nods and Steve's arms tighten. "You know the team has figured it out about us." Bucky groans, imagining the reactions, but supposes being close to him has done Steve all the damage it's going to do. "I think on some level they think it's just a way for us to hang onto the past, but no matter how many times the world tries to beat you down, you get up and you keep fighting. You're worse than I used to be." Steve's fingers rest on the back of his neck. "I admire that."

Bucky wants to deny it, but it's the great irony of the whole mess. Maybe that's why he doesn't wish Steve could go back to being small. The more the world tears him down, the more Bucky needs Captain America.

* * *

When Bucky was a kid swinging at bullies in back alleys, he never dreamed he would grow up to become one of the most lethal people in a world full of superheroes. He never dreamed he would marry that skinny punk he was defending either, but he does, on June 14th, 2018, the seventy-fifth anniversary of Captain America and the day both of them went off to war. Steve wanted that day as a reminder that the freedom they fought for in that war, died for, and had their lives torn apart for afterward had eventually won them something in the end in their right to marry, that it all had been worth it. Clint and Natasha and Sam and Sharon stand up with them and there's jokes about whether Steve's asked Fury's permission for Bucky's hand and cameras everywhere.

Now that Bucky's life has been dragged into the spotlight, social media has a field day. They make a sweeping romantic story out of it. He's the knight who protected Steve from bullies when he was weak, the one Steve thought he lost in battle and rushed in alone behind enemy lines to drag out of hell only to watch him fall screaming to his death sometime later, the one Steve miraculously found alive in the new century he woke in and did everything he could to bring out of a worse hell, the one who took up Steve's fight after he was gunned down and who helped bring Steve back to the world, the one Steve watched get dragged off to a Russian prison for crimes he had no control over, the one who continued to serve his country while playing dead without any recognition for his deeds. 

Bucky doesn't know whether he sees the two of them in such grand terms. To him, it just makes sense to stick with the person who knows you.


End file.
